Work and Play

I need to find the balance. I need to learn that I can go and do by myself. There are so many things that I lose out on because I don't want to "go alone." Is this something all people experience when they are newly divorced? I have been a part of an US for so long that I am not sure how to function as a me. Do people who are single just sit home with the TV and their cats or do they go out to a bar to see friends perform all by themselves on a Friday evening? In reinventing me, I have to learn how to be a me and not a we.

I a kinda dreading this summer. Edward will be gone, Jeffrey is gone forever... What will I do with my time? I need to find a balance. I know I will be working all summer; I intentionally did not take any vacation time in "prime time" because I didn't want to sit home alone for a week while my son was north of the 45th parallel. So work will occupy half of my time. But the fact that I work 14 days a month is great when I have him around be cause I can spend half of my time with him. But with him gone, what am I going to do with my free time. I want to play, I want to go and do and see. Will I be doing that alone? Perhaps. Most likely.

Ana went to California for a week by herself and saw and did the things she wanted to do. I can not at this point imagine that I would ever be capable of doing that. I toy with the idea of going to Florida alone for a few days, but I would so rather have someone go with me. Even if all we do is sit by the pool and drink and relax... I just want someone to be a partner in crime. Does that mean I am weak? Does that mean I am destine to repeat past relationship mistakes? Maybe I should be alone.

But where is the balance? How will I become true to me? Do "normal" people go to the movies by themselves? Out to lunch? To a bar just to be among people and not necessarily to pick up someone to take home? I don't know how to be ME. I only know how to be 1/2 of a we.

I am hoping (and have been told) that this summer will be a perfect balance of work and play. Running on the treadmill and then eating a sundae. I am hoping that is true. But I don;t know how to be that person. I have always been a go go go person; working either for money or for the people I care about. I have decided that I don't want to be a caregiver outside of work. When people come into my life with health issues, it kinda scares me now. I don't wanna be Mamma or Nurse. I want to be Angela. So, while I don't want to put people out of my life because of their physical ailments, I do find that if they are sickly, I get a little freaked out. I have been a caregiver for so long, and now it is my profession, I want someone healthy, independent, vibrant in my world.

How do I find this balance? Is it even possible? Do I fly to lands far away solo, and live the day? Or stay home with the cats and Law and Order reruns? Will that special someone show up and play with me? Is that even what is best for me right now? Balance. I need to find the balance.

THAT'S why I work here!

I was wandering the halls, trying hard to stay awake. I ran into a veteran who had obviously just come in out of the cold. We started making small talk. He told me he was here for an opthamology appointment. I remarked on how the opthy clinic didn't open for another 2 1/2 hours and and with a sly grin he said "Yeah, I don't like to be late."

Continuing with the small talk he asked me if I was a nurse or a doctor or something and I told him I was a nurse on the 5th floor. He enquired if that was a surgical unit and I told him I worked the medical oncology unit. He paused for a moment then as he wandered off he said spryly, "Well, then I hope I never see you again." Made me chuckle and he laughed good naturedly as he sauntered off.

THAT'S why I work here. I love these patients.

Transitioning

I am a new person. 2010 is my year to decide who I am and where I am going. It is a bit frightening and a bit exhilarating all at the same time. I get to reinvent ME.

So, now I look at living the moment for what it is. Who will I include into the new me? I am finding it difficult to discover that sometimes the people I want in my life are also transitioning, but are in a different phase of that process. I am free to do and be whatever I want, and others are not there yet, but I find I want them in my life. So perhaps part of this lesson will be patience. Part of this lesson will be to discover that I can't always have what I want.

That is hard for me. I have always been someone that saw what she wanted and moved heaven and earth to get it. I can fix things. I can make things happen. But I am finding that this isn't always true and that frustrates me.

It is kind of fun to meet new people; people that never knew me as Angela Wieske. People that only know me as Angela Christensen. Obviously they know that I was married and have a child. I am too open with who I am and where I came from to not let that be known. But to be identified as only Angela Christensen is great! I like feeling like me again instead of 1/2 of an US.

I think I've decided that I will never be married again. I do not need societies approval of any relationship I chose to enter. IF the day comes that I do chose to legally be bound to another, I will certainly keep my name. I like Angela Christensen. Good name. Good person.

I am one hell of a woman; a fierce friend and loyal companion. Some things about me will never change as it is just a part of my personal makeup. It is because of how I was raised that I am the way I am. But some things may change.

Changes:
I will no longer be a doormat
I will ask for what I want
I will surround myself with people that see ME
I will be loyal to myself then to others
I will take priority

Transitioning... 2010, here I come!