Stress

I remember in my General Psych class that Mr. Barclay told us that stress comes in many forms. There are positive events that cause stress and negative events that cause stress. While some are easier to deal with than others, stress is stress. Here is my stress...

My son is leaving for the summer after an incredible trying school year. I love this kid more than life itself. I am very fortunate as he is a really good kid. He doesn't stay out past curfew, rarely talks back, does his chores when I remind him to, attends school, is kind to me and to others, and is a very caring person. I am proud of him in so many ways. I like the person he is. The issue is that he does his homework (most of it anyway) but he does not turn it in. I don't understand that. We are trying to get to the bottom of this issue, and in the last 2 weeks of school he really picked up the ball and did what needed to be done to salvage most of the school year, but I've gotta ask, "What's the deal with the homework?"

He is leaving on Friday for the summer with the Ex. I'm gonna miss him like wildfire, yet I am also looking forward to a few months of not having to be accountable to anyone but myself. If I decide to not eat dinner until 10pm, I can. If I decide to stay out until 1 in the morning, I don't have to check in. No groceries in the house? No problem. I hate when he is gone, but I relish the time as well. Weird.

I am buying a house! My first house. It is in the exact location I wanted, and it is perfect for Edward and I. It needs some work, but that work is going to keep me busy this summer, so maybe I won't miss the kid so much. I always end up in a bit of a funk when he is gone if I have too much time on my hands. This summer, time on my hands is not going to be an issue. I am really excited about the house. Picking out flooring and paint colors and planning on where to put the furniture, etc is so much fun. I say that now... Wait til I get that paint roller in my hands. My tune might change. This is a good, positive move for me. But still stressful.

School is also in full swing. I tend to complain about it a lot, but I know I am dreading the ending of it. A year from now I will have my degree. But then what will I do with my time? I will be Angela Marie Christensen, RN, BSN, OCN(R), MBA, MHA - Guess I will spend my extra time writing all those initials after my name :-)

On the guy front - Who knows what is happening there. I get through the day, have many friends to support me, but that elusive partner is still at large. There is a potential partner out there, but we are in such different places. For now, I have a friend. STRESS!!!

My heart is doing this strange pitter pattering. My Dr doesn't seem too worried, but he is sending me to a specialist. He thinks I have a hereditary condition (that no one else in my family seems to have)... But time will tell. More silly stress.

Good things in my world, but they sure are stressful. That's ok. It means I am living!

A Huge Colossal Ruse

I like to pretend that you fooled us all and ran away to Kensington Market and that you are living there, eating chocolate covered croissants and frequenting the HotBox. I like to imagine that our tears were all a part of a sick and twisted hoax perpetrated by you. I would forgive you the years of pain if it meant that I got just one more moment with you. I hope that one day I will get a mysterious text with nothing more than the word "Hey". I want to return to Toronto and hang out in St Lawrence Market looking for you by the pea meal stand. I will position myself between that shop and the little store that sells butter tarts. Surely you will show up one day. Did you ever beat the tar out of that old Russian furrier on Spadina above the Bombshelter? Please go to the Jave Cafe and have a brie and avocado sammich and a pitcher of sangria and think of me. Take a picture of a Banksey and email it to me. Go see Anna's burlesque show. Watch out for the killer squirrels. Wax your dreads, shake hands with the rastas, buy me a pretzel loaf from Cob's Breads. Damn it, Jeffrey... you can not be gone. I miss you so much. Some days I can tolerate your absence. Today is not one of them. I miss you like hell fire. You prayed for an angel, now I pray for someone who can love me like you did. Send me that person. I can not have you, but you can send me who I should have. You get to pick him. Pick well. IMU ILU TYFBME

NaNoWriMo

So, I am doing it. Sure, we are only 5 days in, but so far I am keeping on task and writing a fairly decent story. Now, I have to tell you, it is difficult because I am getting the words on the page, but I am not editing. Sure, I hit spell check on occasion, but I am not going back and agonizing on the choice of words, on changing something I wrote to foreshadow some idea that comes to me in a moment. I am writing, and when the month of November is over, I will go back and look at it and make the adjustments that I need to make to make it a GOOD story. Right now it is just decent.

I am not use to writing this way. Quantity over quality is not something I am use to doing. It is as much of a challenge as just spitting the words out there. I have all kinds of cool ideas for this story that I am writing. I hesitate to call it a novel, tho that is what NaNoWriMo calls it. Right now it is just a series of words and a story that is growing. It has a life of it's own. I know generally where it is heading, because, well, because I wrote the ending first. ;-)

I am putting off returning to school to complete this challenge. At first I thought that was crazy. I could do both. Um, no frigging way! So, it would make more sense for me to drop NaNoWriMo and start classses; that would be the responsible thing to do. But when would I have this opportunity again? Sure, next November you say, but I will still be in school then, so... The November after that? Nope. I'm doing this and school can wait til January. I'm kinda enjoying a break from the books anyhow. It would be nice to defer my loans again (yes, the real reason everyone goes back to school) but I can make those payments for another 2 months.

So, NaNoWriMo, I am committed to you and I will complete the challenge with something that someone may wish to read some day. I'm not delusional enough to think I will publish it in a book type form, but maybe I will plop it on the web somewhere and bored housewives and students who should be studying may wander by and chose to read it. Kinda like whoever wanders by here and reads this silly drivel I spit out of my head here.

NaNoWriMo

Yup, I'm doing it!

Say it!

I am thinking back on the people that were a huge part of my life and for one reason or another are no longer in my world. Anyone that knows me is aware that I am somewhat guarded and I do not tend to let people into my heart easily, but once I do, they are allowed to take up residency and live there til the end of time. Here's to you, my friends that have left my daily life, but not my heart.

Mom - I know few women who can honestly say that their mother was their best friend. You were my confidant and my cheerleader. You listened without judgement and supported me, even when you knew I was making a mistake. We could "just be" with each other. You taught me how to be a lady, gave me the ideal role model to become a mother and always told me that there wasn't anything I couldn't do if I set my mind to it. Your unrelenting belief in me, as a person, has made me the incredibly loving, loyal and supportive human being that I am today. I honor you with every friendship I make. I hope one day to be half the woman that you were. Your strength in the face of adversity has always made me proud. I would give up 5 years of my life to have one more cup of tea with you. I remain your "Lemonade Girl".

Jeffrey - You were my colorist. In a very dark period of my life, when all the beauty had gone out of living, you brought the brilliant reds, somber blues and verdant greens back to my eyes. We were marvelous friends, but also more than friends. When we met, we just clicked. Sure, it was a strange and labored relationship with complications galore, but you were a support of my life and I of yours. I loved you, and I love your family. I miss you and I miss them. Your smile could light up a room. You view of the world was always a little askew, which was your charm. You were taken from me way too soon, but I was blessed with your light and you saved me from a black and white existence. "Hey" Jeffrey... "Hey".

Chose - Yes, it sounds strange that I would include you here. Our relationship was "professional" but you touched my heart as no other patient ever did. I was at your side through diagnosis, surgery, recovery, rehabilitation, acceptance and your passing from this plane and I was honored to be by your side in your final moments. You were a lesson in grieving. Nurses try so hard to keep that professional detachment, but you, my friend, weaseled your way into my heart. I loved getting to know you, to hear your stories, and to aid in your care. I was honored with your friendship and will always feel blessed to be a part of your days. You had a very difficult life, your last days were lonely and I hope that I was able to ease a bit of that loneliness. Thank you for the lessons you taught me and for your tender presence. You will always be my "beacon of hope".

Bob, Rory, Seth and Ben - My comrades. We did the impossible. With no rule book, no guidance other than our hearts and no experience we made a difference in the lives of so many in a short 36 hour period. You were a part of my physical world for two weeks or less, but you will live in my heart until I cease to exist. We did something good. We truly made a difference in this world. It was not something we HAD to do, it was something we chose to do and our world became so much more vibrant for the experiences we shared. So few people really get the opportunity to make such a huge impact in so many people's lives. Gentlemen, I take my hat off to you, tell you now, in front of God and everyone that I love you and I feel absolutely blessed that Mother Nature's wrath brought us together. Our paths may never physically cross again, but you all have a piece of real estate in my heart.

No one ever reads my blog, so I have no idea why I am talking to this imaginary audience. Perhaps I put this in type as I send it mentally out to the universe and hope that others will hear my plea. The relationships that you cultivate and nurture are what make you rich. Your success is measured in the lives that you touch and the lives that touch yours. Cars and houses, trips and jewelry mean nothing in the end. How you impact another's heart is what makes you wealthy. Tell the people that reside in your heart how they make you richer.

Live Your Passion

Every day when I drive home from work I pass the same guy. He stands on the side of the road in front of a cell phone store with a sign and hollars and yells at people to try to entice them to come in and sign up for HIS cell service. It use to annoy me. I felt like I was being accosted everytime I drove by him. I avoided eye contact while talking on my iPhone. I generally tried to imagine he was not there.

After a few weeks, I started to feel sorry for this guy. His job was to stand on a busy street and hollar at the top of his lungs to get people to come to the storefront where he was employed. I started to smile at him as I drove by. Yesterday when I was sitting at the light, 1 car length ahead of where he was standing I could hear what he was saying. Among the "Come on in here, it's only $40 a month" and n"no hidden fees, $40 unlimited" He also was saying things like "You got yourself a pretty car there, Mister" and "Hello, Little Lady, you've got a beautiful tiara" to the child in the grocery-getter behind me. Hmmm.

Today, heading home for lunch, I pulled up next to him and again, gave him a shy little anemic smile. And like an auctioneer rambling on while toting his wares, he threw in a "And there's my pretty lady that smiles at me every day, Bless you, Darlin". Wow!

How many compliments has he handed out over the past months? How many people saw him as an annoyance? I viewed him like I view the people that run up to your car when you are stopped by the service drive and wash your windshield without your permission and then expect you to hand them a few bucks. this guy really was trying to spread some joy in the world while trying to make an honest buck. I like him. I'm gonna name him Clyde. Is his name Clyde? I have no idea, but he will always be Clyde in my mind.

Coming back from lunch I pondered further on Clyde and his outlook on life. For me, it would be hell standing on the side of a busy street holding a sign and hollaring myself horse day after day smelling exhaust fumes and being seen as a nuisance. But he was making the best of his world. Making a smile on a face or two every day, bringing some pocket change home and doing the job he was being paid to do with 100% of all he had to give.

We should all be so lucky. We should all commit ourselves 100% to the things that we do. I have often said, "You spend 1/3 of your life at work, ya better have a job that you love, or you will be miserable 1/3 of the time." It was so hard to leave the VA, but I was spending 1/3 of my time+ being miserable. My new job has a few downfalls, but all in all I am happy with were I am, the hours I hold and the money I make and like Clyde, I can make a difference in a few people's lives every day.

I have often told my son that I don't care what he does for a living when he grows up, as long as he is happy doing it. And by and large, that is the truth. While I want him to go to college, and have a good paying job with benefits, in the end the important thing is that he enjoys what he does and he does it well. The money is nice, and not having to worry about where it's gonna come from when the rent is due does easy the stress of the rest of your life, but it isn't everything.

Clyde, keep hollaring at the cars as they rush from hither and yon, keep talking to princesses in minivans and sheepish office workers rushing to lunch. Sell a few phones and give a few smiles. Enjoy what you do and you'll never work a day in your life!

If you can't say anything nice...

I looked back over my blog as I am want to do, and I realized that in 2009 I blogger 2 maybe 3 times total. Was this because I had no profound thoughts to dump out of my brain that entire year? NO! It is because I always try to live by the wise words of my mother. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." 2009 was a difficult year for me. The divorce was not a pleasant experience (are they ever) and I was in very dark places in my mind most of the year. I think I did a good job of hiding it, but was that really the right decision? Well, another mom-ism was "Don't cry over spilled milk" so I won't spend too much time thinking that thought.

2010 has been a very interesting year so far. I am coming into my own. I am feeling like ME and kinda enjoying that. Sure, I come second to my boy (That will never change) but otherwise, I am at the top of that totem pole. FUN! It's a nice view from up here.

In the beginning of May I had my ovaries removed. It was something I thought long and hard about and am glad that I did it. Sure, hot flashes suck, but the nightmares I have saved myself from are well worth the strange internal boiling sensation that creeps up on me like a knife wielding shadow in a B rated horror flick. The only real issue I have with my decision to have my ovaries removed is that I will no longer be able to have any children. Sure, Edward is 14, I have said for the past several years that I would rather eat arsenic dipped razor blades than go back to diapers and car seats, but when a friend has a new little one, or I run across a cute little outfit at the local super store, or a friend mentions that a baby might be nice... my uterus (which is still intact, thank you very much) cries. I cry a little bit too. I often pride myself in the fact that there isn't anything I can't do. (Again, thanks Mom... You always told me that, and I guess I still believe it) but have another child is not something I can do. :/

2010 is going to be a year of changes. Changes in my health, in my creditworthiness (Damn FICO scores), changes in my attitude and perspective. So, today, May 29, 2010 I make the following declarations...

I will continue the positive health changes I have started. I've lost 48 pounds since October, another 48 by this October...
I will save a bit more, and eat out a bit less. I am still going to splurge on travel and little things for me because, damn it, I work hard and I am worth it.
I am just that good, and I deserve the best. I will demand the respect I deserve and will only tolerate so much bull shit before I walk the other way. You have been warned.
I will see myself as a priority and that my happiness matters.
I will ask for what I want and make an informed decision when I am told that I will or will not get what I want.
I will complete projects that I have started and take pride in their completion.

Ok, well, that's a start. And again, I will try to be a more faithful blogger. But I still find that if I can't say anything nice...