Work and Play

I need to find the balance. I need to learn that I can go and do by myself. There are so many things that I lose out on because I don't want to "go alone." Is this something all people experience when they are newly divorced? I have been a part of an US for so long that I am not sure how to function as a me. Do people who are single just sit home with the TV and their cats or do they go out to a bar to see friends perform all by themselves on a Friday evening? In reinventing me, I have to learn how to be a me and not a we.

I a kinda dreading this summer. Edward will be gone, Jeffrey is gone forever... What will I do with my time? I need to find a balance. I know I will be working all summer; I intentionally did not take any vacation time in "prime time" because I didn't want to sit home alone for a week while my son was north of the 45th parallel. So work will occupy half of my time. But the fact that I work 14 days a month is great when I have him around be cause I can spend half of my time with him. But with him gone, what am I going to do with my free time. I want to play, I want to go and do and see. Will I be doing that alone? Perhaps. Most likely.

Ana went to California for a week by herself and saw and did the things she wanted to do. I can not at this point imagine that I would ever be capable of doing that. I toy with the idea of going to Florida alone for a few days, but I would so rather have someone go with me. Even if all we do is sit by the pool and drink and relax... I just want someone to be a partner in crime. Does that mean I am weak? Does that mean I am destine to repeat past relationship mistakes? Maybe I should be alone.

But where is the balance? How will I become true to me? Do "normal" people go to the movies by themselves? Out to lunch? To a bar just to be among people and not necessarily to pick up someone to take home? I don't know how to be ME. I only know how to be 1/2 of a we.

I am hoping (and have been told) that this summer will be a perfect balance of work and play. Running on the treadmill and then eating a sundae. I am hoping that is true. But I don;t know how to be that person. I have always been a go go go person; working either for money or for the people I care about. I have decided that I don't want to be a caregiver outside of work. When people come into my life with health issues, it kinda scares me now. I don't wanna be Mamma or Nurse. I want to be Angela. So, while I don't want to put people out of my life because of their physical ailments, I do find that if they are sickly, I get a little freaked out. I have been a caregiver for so long, and now it is my profession, I want someone healthy, independent, vibrant in my world.

How do I find this balance? Is it even possible? Do I fly to lands far away solo, and live the day? Or stay home with the cats and Law and Order reruns? Will that special someone show up and play with me? Is that even what is best for me right now? Balance. I need to find the balance.