Kindness

A girl I went to high school with is a FaceBook "friend" of mine. She was the organizer of my 20th class reunion and that is when the FB "friend" invite and acceptance occurred. Post reunion she has some personal difficulties, ones that I could relate with. We remained "friends" as I followed her trials and tribulations. At one point I even sent her a private message of encouragement and understanding.

As the years when on, I decided I didn't like her very much. She is not someone I would have enjoyed having a cup of coffee with. As a matter do fact, I often found her rude and unkind. I could have "defriended" her, but I felt I was learning lessons when her posts impacted me. My reactions to her words taught me a lot about me and my journey.

This week, while she was out running errands she snapped a photo of a woman without her knowledge or permission. She posted this picture on her Facebook page for the sole intent and purpose of making fun of this woman. I had one of the strongest emotionally negative reactions I have had in years!

Please allow me to describe the photo. It was a rear shot of a middle aged or older female shopping at a community pharmacy. She was wearing yellow shorts and her underwear band was showing and the material of the shorts was wedged in her butt crack. She was wearing a tank top that was most likely too small, she had a knee brace on her left knee and was wearing black socks and black sandles. Some compared this photo to "The People of Walmart" photos that make the rounds (and for the record, I rarely find them humorous either). But this woman was not wearing a tutu and cowboy boots, or a super hero costume with a ball cap. She was wearing "normal" clothing that may have not been the right size, but appeared clean and appropriate for the setting. Sure, society says wearing socks and sandles is a no-no. Most people I know would not go out in a top that was too small and I know personally I would have picked a wedge before allowing my shorts to get firmly ensconced in my generous crevice. My issue is that this woman, going about her day, became an unwitting participant in a yuck fest about how one woman thought others should look in public.

The knee brace leads me to believe that she may have some pain issues. Maybe she was there to pick up pain medications. Maybe those yellow shorts were the only pants she could get over the brace. Maybe the socks and sandles were the only footwear she could manage with her knee injury. Heck, maybe she didn't see anything wrong with what she was wearing (honestly, I wouldn't have looked twice). But Miss FB "friend" and her posse of like minded, unkind individuals chose to make fun of her, and then me when I timidly voiced my outrage.

I was told to lighten up. I was teased and ridiculed for not being cool enough to get the joke. I was told Miss FB "friend" was hysterically funny and anything she found funny WAS funny. I did not counter respond as I knew that the response from Miss FB "friend"'s followers would be more ridicule about how uncool I was for not getting the joke.

I felt like the 12 year old girl that was being bullied by her peers again. The pain of those memories hit me to the core. Miss FB "friend" was a bully in high school, and it appears that has not changed. I guess I thought as we grew up we gave up those roles. I was wrong. And when her mom chimed in and told me I needed to lighten up, I got it. She knows no different. Her mom feels it is ok to make fun of people and that if you do not fit into her picture of societal norm, you need to change or be laughed at.

The people on that post have never stopped to walk a mile in the shoes of the people they taunt. In discussing this episode with my best friend, she recalled an event when she was homeless and scraping by when her clothing wasn't "socially appropriate". Someone at least had the balls to tell her in a kind way and help her remedy the situation, not take her picture behind her back and make fun of her.

My strong emotional reaction was related to the painful memories of people making fun of me; bullying me. It was also because I was so paralyzed with fear of that happening again that I couldn't continue to defend this nameless and yes, faceless woman who was being made fun of for no reason other than these self important bullies thought it was funny. My emotions over ran my heart and spilled out my eyes as I realized that some people don't out grow bullying. As I sit here writing these words, my eyes overflow again.

I feel love for the little girl in me, feeling these feelings 30 years later. I feel love for this nameless woman who is the source of glee for these people who refuse to take a minute to walk in her shoes. I feel love for the unkind people who attacked this woman and myself because they do not understand, and I sadly believe may never understand. 

I consciously extend kindness to myself - I allow myself to feel this pain, to acknowledge that I am a better person for the painful experiences I have endured, and am allowing myself time to reflect and attempt to understand my reactions.

I consciously extend kindness to my fellow (wo)man - I will attempt to be more conscious in my judgemental thoughts. While this episode leads me to believe I tend to be less judgemental than others,  I am far from perfect and I will attempt to improve in this area.

I consciously extend kindness to these FB "friends" - I will also try to walk a mile in their shoes and acknowledge that I have not lived their path. The fact that they felt this behavior was acceptable may be handed down from their parent, or may be a product of their environment and past experiences. They need compassion too. 

I will attempt to speak up with a braver voice. I will attempt to overcome my fears and do what is "right" in my world. I will hopefully open a few eyes to the act of kindness and compassion, but those lessons need to start with me.