Prune
I'm a fucking prune!
I just jumped out of the tub after a 90 minute soak. I sat in the rust tinged water, staring at my fat stubbly thighs, noticing how the grout is seperating from the tub and crying for 90 minutes. I'm crying for me.
Perhaps the coolest person that has ever come into my life is leaving. I'm so happy for her, it is what she wanted, it is what she needed to continue to grow. It will make her hubby happy, it is a positive thing. But I cry for me. I don't want her to go. Selfish fucking boohoo for me.
I'm stuck in this god forsaken fucking little town making less than I'm worth and hanging out for sheer familial responsibility. I tell others I love the small town feel, the no rush hour traffic, the ability to park close to any entrance. I think it's a lie. What I like about this kind of living is the wonderful people that have come into my life, and god-damn-it, if they aren't flying the coop. Poor fucking me.
Damn it, Denise, I want so badly to jump up and down in joy for you, but my heart is breaking. I know the distance in miles will leave a distance in our hearts; it always does, so I cry for me. Poor fucking boo hoo me.
So, I'm a prune, and now I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I'll face Denise, smile and tell her how happy I am for her, and really mean it. I know there are many more nights of tears for me (ME) not her. I am feeling sorry for myself; happy for her, sorry for me. What a fucking whiney ass prune I am.
Denise will wow them at Delta as she has us here in little po-dunk Alpena. Many more will get to know her and admire her as I do, as so many do. She's gonna do great things in her new position, it's just who she is. Go get 'em girl, just remember to drop this flabby stubbly thighed, grout needing, rusty tub owning, sniveling prune an e-mail on occasion.
I just jumped out of the tub after a 90 minute soak. I sat in the rust tinged water, staring at my fat stubbly thighs, noticing how the grout is seperating from the tub and crying for 90 minutes. I'm crying for me.
Perhaps the coolest person that has ever come into my life is leaving. I'm so happy for her, it is what she wanted, it is what she needed to continue to grow. It will make her hubby happy, it is a positive thing. But I cry for me. I don't want her to go. Selfish fucking boohoo for me.
I'm stuck in this god forsaken fucking little town making less than I'm worth and hanging out for sheer familial responsibility. I tell others I love the small town feel, the no rush hour traffic, the ability to park close to any entrance. I think it's a lie. What I like about this kind of living is the wonderful people that have come into my life, and god-damn-it, if they aren't flying the coop. Poor fucking me.
Damn it, Denise, I want so badly to jump up and down in joy for you, but my heart is breaking. I know the distance in miles will leave a distance in our hearts; it always does, so I cry for me. Poor fucking boo hoo me.
So, I'm a prune, and now I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I'll face Denise, smile and tell her how happy I am for her, and really mean it. I know there are many more nights of tears for me (ME) not her. I am feeling sorry for myself; happy for her, sorry for me. What a fucking whiney ass prune I am.
Denise will wow them at Delta as she has us here in little po-dunk Alpena. Many more will get to know her and admire her as I do, as so many do. She's gonna do great things in her new position, it's just who she is. Go get 'em girl, just remember to drop this flabby stubbly thighed, grout needing, rusty tub owning, sniveling prune an e-mail on occasion.
posted by Angela | 23:07
4 Comments:
You are such a sob storyer...
Isn't it funny, when Wendy from Delta asked me if I was excited after she told me of the "conditional offer," I gave her a hesitant yes - partly due to the shock of the offer, partly because that's when it hit me like a rust-stained, grout-loosened bathtub - like my life flashing before me, the faces of all the wonderful wonderful wonderful people here I know as friends...and I hesitated. Was I really doing the right thing? Before that very moment, it was all make-believe (What IF I get the job at Delta...?). And as the days passed, how much more I thought about everyone I would be leaving. Oh sure, it's not that far, but we know how even the slightest distance can create large gaps in time...
But, then I remembered ALL of what I've experienced here - the loss of Facets, the lost of Global Awareness programming, sexual harrassment that goes without consequence, right of assignment and loss of classes, Farenhype 9/11 and having board members yelling at me across the table and a president who seemed to enjoy the ring-side seat.
And how much more I do want, and how being here has helped me define what more it is I want for my own personal and professional growth - diversity in student body, access to the arts, cultural programs supported by the college, hard work and professional development and dedication recognized by merit, access to university classes for myself.
I may never have made this choice for myself if it hadn't been for my husband. Yes, he's part of the reason, too, why we are leaving - his needs and wants. I may well have been complacent to just hunker down and settle in here had I never met him. But, just last night, as I was thinking about all of the opportunities ahead of me, I was so grateful for him. He has given me a new life, one I may never have chosen for myself, but one I anxiously anticipate now.
I keep my friends. I make new ones. Some drift away as years pass by, some find their way back into my life and the joy of rediscovery is great. As I've grown older, I take my friends more deeply into my heart. The people I have known here in Alpena have been some of the closest to me in all my life.
And in some ways, they are also to blame for my leaving. Their love and support and encouragement, their griping over some of the same limitations in a small town. Maybe they'll leave too, some day. Maybe they'll stay and continue to be a spot of hope in this dismal town. The energy of their lives will circle new friends, new places, or continue to build in the old familiar space, but always with hope. And always with love.
Ok, so, I'm over myself a bit now. A bit. You go Girl, give 'em hell, and be the best you that you are and continue to make people the best them they can be. You did it for me, now you get to do it for others in another town. I thank you for helping me become me, and I kinda like that person. And yeah, so, I'm a sob storyer (a word?) It's part of who I am. And it's only 'cuz I love ya that I cried in the tub.
I hear a country song...to the Yellow Rose of Texas...
It's only cuz I love ya
that I cried in the tub
cried all night long
just for you
You took your love with ya
when you walked out that door
now I'm just sittin' here
gettin' pruned
Pruned in the bathtub
Since you've gone away
Puned in the bathtub
alone
Like a plum that's been left in
the sun for too long
I'm pruned in the bathtub
alone
Holy Cats!
Way too Funny.
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