2006
2 hours into the last day of 2006. I am at work; a new contract, a new hospital. I realize so much has changed in 2006. 365 days ago I never would have imagined I would live apart from my family. I guess DH's brothers and sisters have an issue with this. Like I don't? Could anyone really think I would want to be away from them for so long? It is a means to an end. Pay off some bills. Make some decisions. Money makes those decisions easier sometimes. I am providing for my boyz; insurance, money, security. I am doing my duty. Does it suck? YES! Is it necessary? For now. Money doesn't buy the important things.
I have made some dear friends down here south of the 45th parallel. They have made living here bearable. I am not sure what I would do without their loving support. I miss my dear friend Catherine from the VA. I wish I could have stuck her in my bag and taken her with me to my new assignment. From the sounds of it, she wouldn't mind moving on. Jeffrey can always help me find my smile when I misplace it, and he and his kids have been great fun this past week when Edward was down with me. I have a husband, a fiance, a boyfriend and a cabana boy (where is Bradley anyhow?) what is Jeffrey going to be? New relationships at work are blooming, if I can every figure out what they are saying. All of these people are completely disconnected from my life in Alpena.
I have noticed that I am no longer calling Alpena "home." It doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel like I am visiting when I go there. I am, aren't I? I don't feel like I have a home. Alpena is someplace I visit, my apartment in Clawson is someplace to rest my head, my home from my youth is so changed by my brother and sister-in-law's decorating it doesn't seem to fit either. A girl without a country, a woman without a home. Home is where the heart is? Home is where you hang your hat? My heart is in my chest, and I don't wear hats. SGW sings "Everybody needs a homeland / just a place where you can hang your hat / a place to raise your children / everybody needs homeland... My grandfather told me / a long time ago / that a man without ground / is like a man with no soul... The place that I live / I'm just borrowing for now / someday I'll have me an address / and I'll make it somehow." I feel like a man with no soul.
I have 2 distinctly separate lives. North of the 45th I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. I am the responsible one that thinks of others before herself, does what needs to be done without complaining (much) and makes all the plans and lives in cluttered chaos. South of the 45th I am a single woman who dreams of her life back home, who is a bit wilder than she would ever allow in Alpena (half naked cooking?), who is accountable to herself and her employer only, and who always makes her bed and has been known to vacuum twice a day just to have something to do. When DH and son come down, I get all flustered. They mess with my space. I love having them here and spending time with them, but they leave their shoes all over and stuff is everywhere.
Is it worth it? The money is good (great!) and the benefits cover what we need covered. Do I chuck it all (after June 1st when my lease is up) and go back north of the 45th, work in a job that pays the bills (not as well, but we have managed to this point) but that I hate, that offers me no chance of growth and career development but allows me to be with my boyz? Money ISN'T everything. Do I pack them up and move them here? Is that fair to Edward? To Paul? Paul's game to move, Edward not so much, but he'd roll with it. My Dad? Yikes, don't want to go there now. Can they fit into my life south of the 45th? That scared me most. I am a different person here, can I blend those two lives?
I've never lived alone. I've never had this kind of independence, and I kinda like it. Sure, I get lonely. Very lonely. My new found friends have lives of their own. They can't hang on the couch and watch movies with me, can't come over and play games on a Wednesday evening, can't drop everything like I can just to keep me amused. I have nothing to do in the long hours between work and work. If I were with my boyz, I would have that filled. I need that. But I also would miss the unusual freedom I have here. The relationships I have formed here would change. I don't want them to. I want my cake and eat it too. Come on Rebecca, let's get that communal living thing off the ground. I need that! I want it all!
Well, this is a bummer of a post. I didn't intent it to be. I intended to make this a overview of 2006 (year in review) but it all has been about the last 4 and a half months. I can't even remember what else happened in 2006. 2005 gave me Katrina/Louisiana. I hold that close in my heart, but the first 8 months of 2006 are nonexistent in my heart right now. Strange. Help me remember those months. Something had to happen there other than severe job dissatisfaction at RCRH which prompted this move and all this angst. Rebecca and Steve hooked up, Paul got a job. All these things seem like information I got in a holiday card. They are not a part of my life. Paul has a job, new people in his life, and I know virtually nothing about it/them. And he likewise. 12 years ago when we said "I do" this is not where I thought we would be. But is it ok?
I have made some dear friends down here south of the 45th parallel. They have made living here bearable. I am not sure what I would do without their loving support. I miss my dear friend Catherine from the VA. I wish I could have stuck her in my bag and taken her with me to my new assignment. From the sounds of it, she wouldn't mind moving on. Jeffrey can always help me find my smile when I misplace it, and he and his kids have been great fun this past week when Edward was down with me. I have a husband, a fiance, a boyfriend and a cabana boy (where is Bradley anyhow?) what is Jeffrey going to be? New relationships at work are blooming, if I can every figure out what they are saying. All of these people are completely disconnected from my life in Alpena.
I have noticed that I am no longer calling Alpena "home." It doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel like I am visiting when I go there. I am, aren't I? I don't feel like I have a home. Alpena is someplace I visit, my apartment in Clawson is someplace to rest my head, my home from my youth is so changed by my brother and sister-in-law's decorating it doesn't seem to fit either. A girl without a country, a woman without a home. Home is where the heart is? Home is where you hang your hat? My heart is in my chest, and I don't wear hats. SGW sings "Everybody needs a homeland / just a place where you can hang your hat / a place to raise your children / everybody needs homeland... My grandfather told me / a long time ago / that a man without ground / is like a man with no soul... The place that I live / I'm just borrowing for now / someday I'll have me an address / and I'll make it somehow." I feel like a man with no soul.
I have 2 distinctly separate lives. North of the 45th I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. I am the responsible one that thinks of others before herself, does what needs to be done without complaining (much) and makes all the plans and lives in cluttered chaos. South of the 45th I am a single woman who dreams of her life back home, who is a bit wilder than she would ever allow in Alpena (half naked cooking?), who is accountable to herself and her employer only, and who always makes her bed and has been known to vacuum twice a day just to have something to do. When DH and son come down, I get all flustered. They mess with my space. I love having them here and spending time with them, but they leave their shoes all over and stuff is everywhere.
Is it worth it? The money is good (great!) and the benefits cover what we need covered. Do I chuck it all (after June 1st when my lease is up) and go back north of the 45th, work in a job that pays the bills (not as well, but we have managed to this point) but that I hate, that offers me no chance of growth and career development but allows me to be with my boyz? Money ISN'T everything. Do I pack them up and move them here? Is that fair to Edward? To Paul? Paul's game to move, Edward not so much, but he'd roll with it. My Dad? Yikes, don't want to go there now. Can they fit into my life south of the 45th? That scared me most. I am a different person here, can I blend those two lives?
I've never lived alone. I've never had this kind of independence, and I kinda like it. Sure, I get lonely. Very lonely. My new found friends have lives of their own. They can't hang on the couch and watch movies with me, can't come over and play games on a Wednesday evening, can't drop everything like I can just to keep me amused. I have nothing to do in the long hours between work and work. If I were with my boyz, I would have that filled. I need that. But I also would miss the unusual freedom I have here. The relationships I have formed here would change. I don't want them to. I want my cake and eat it too. Come on Rebecca, let's get that communal living thing off the ground. I need that! I want it all!
Well, this is a bummer of a post. I didn't intent it to be. I intended to make this a overview of 2006 (year in review) but it all has been about the last 4 and a half months. I can't even remember what else happened in 2006. 2005 gave me Katrina/Louisiana. I hold that close in my heart, but the first 8 months of 2006 are nonexistent in my heart right now. Strange. Help me remember those months. Something had to happen there other than severe job dissatisfaction at RCRH which prompted this move and all this angst. Rebecca and Steve hooked up, Paul got a job. All these things seem like information I got in a holiday card. They are not a part of my life. Paul has a job, new people in his life, and I know virtually nothing about it/them. And he likewise. 12 years ago when we said "I do" this is not where I thought we would be. But is it ok?
posted by Angela | 02:02
1 Comments:
For better or for worse - I remind myself of that all the time. I'm not married, but I'm pretty damned committed, and thankfully, the better part overwhelms the worse part by a huge margin.
I have a matchbox apartment in Ann Arbor. I have no friends here, no family, no familiar space except the ones I've carved for myself. It gets very lonely down here sometimes. It's Valentine's Day, and Jef's got to work late, then go home (to his place, away from me) and take care of house business there. I already knew this was the plan. I knew I wasn't going to see him. Most of me was prepared. But the latent romantic part of me that I never acknowledge really didn't want to be alone.
I'm here because I want to make a future for myself. And because Jef is quite a bit older than me, I definitely see myself as the primary earner for our household at some point. I can't care for myself or for him without a degree. So I struggle on. I'm broke, I've got a cold, I have four midterms next week and Jef just feels so far away at the moment.
But it's all going to pay off. One of these days, I'll have my degree (the first in my family), I'll have a job I actually like, I'll have the most wonderful guy in the world by my side and I will have earned every bit of it. That's how I have to see it. Keep on truckin, Angela.
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